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FREEDOM FIGHTER DEFENDED TO SUPPORT NATO BID
london_observer


FAUX NEWS YOU CAN USE

(December 2009 – Lviv, Ukraine – Faux News) – Ukraine or at least
part of its western province inched closer to the free civilized world
when local council in the city of Lviv demanded to free a veteran
freedom fighter and member of pro-democracy resistance.

John Demjanjuk, most recently of Seven Hills, Ohio, USA, and a native
of western Ukraine earned his first freedom & democracy credentials
when he served as a guard at a filtration facility at Sobibor in Poland
during WW2.

The facility, later described by some as ‘Sobibor Death Camp’, was run
by the German government and reportedly employed Mr. Demjanjuk
on a full-time basis to perform a number of tasks, which sometimes
included elements of enhanced interrogation leading to isolated
instances of accidental collateral damage to civilian population.
Most of the people Mr. Demjanjuk worked with were supporters of
totalitarian ideology, as well as Jews, Red Army soldiers, Poles, Gypsies,
and suspected members of the notorious Russian KGB secret police.

Mr. Demjanjuk reaffirmed his democracy credentials when he worked
for the American administration in the post-war Europe and was granted
American citizenship in 1952.

Mr. Demjanjuk is currently under trial in Germany for what his opponents
call ‘Nazi war crimes’.

Meanwhile, Lviv area council in western Ukraine voted to demand
from Ukraine’s President that Mr. Demjanjuk be freed immediately and
blackmail by Europe and local Russia-lovers of western Ukraine stopped.

In the early 20th century, Lviv area was part of Österreich, a European
empire which was a source of inspiration for the charismatic German
Councilor Adolf Hitler who tried to revive Österreich’s splendor in his
Third Reich international project. During WW2, many Lviv locals joined
the fight against bolshevism on the eastern front.

Lviv area council was reportedly inspired by the example of the nearby
Estonia. In WW2, many Estonians were members of the Waffen SS special
troops under the guidance of the German government. Later in the 20th
century Estonia was among the first new countries to be awarded
membership in NATO.


GEORGIAN PRESIDENT BOOSTS CHARISMA
london_observer


FAUX NEWS YOU CAN USE

(December 2009, Ukraine, Faux News) – The charismatic
democracy-minded leader of the republic of Georgia
Michael Sakaschivli strengthened his personal charisma
in a televised interview for Ukrainian national TV.

Speaking to Ukranian audience President Sakaschvili
defended some traits of his personal body language
and criticized Russian PM Vladimir Putin who failed
to treat Sakaschivli with due respect in his recent
remarks about Georgian leader.

Michael Sakaschvili became famous for inadvertently
chewing on his tie in an interview to BBC international
TV. The tie incident came during Georgia’s brief war
in 2008 against pro-Russian South Ossetia which was
seeking independence from Georgian authorities.

The conflict broke out when Georgian president ordered
artillery attack on Tskinval, the capital of the South Ossetia,
region with a mixed Ossetin-Russian population.

Sakaschivli was acting as White House pool correspondent
for international US and British television networks,
synchronizing his news broadcasts with the work
of Georgian artillery and the progress of Georgian
infantry. Sakaschvili’s army was subsequently driven out
of South Ossetia back into Georgia by Russian troops.

The tie-chewing incident was broadcast internationally
during one of the last waves of Georgian attack on Tskinval,
the capital of the South Ossetia.

When speaking about his tie to Ukranian TV, the most
emotional episode of the interview, President Sakaschivli
seemed to repeat his trademark body and eye
movements. It was unclear whether the president was
aware of his gestures, but experts said they were
carefully planned well in advance to boost Sakaschvili’s
personal appeal and reaffirm his commitment to
freedom and democracy.

However, a behavior analyst speaking to Faux News in
Washington DC on condition of anonymity suggested
that Sakaschivli’s body movements were being manipulated
by KGB, the notorious Russian secret police. Certain
poisons, the analyst said, make it possible to control
the poisoned person with a simple device, such as
remote control panel or gaming joystick.


ITALIANS DRAW RED LINES, SIDE WITH EVIL
london_observer


FAUX NEWS YOU CAN USE

(November 2009, Rome - Italy, Faux News) – Italian judge convicted
23 American CIA officers to 5 to 8 years in jail for what some European
media called ‘kidnapping in Italy’.

The 23 were announced guilty of allegedly grabbing and smuggling
a Muslim cleric off the streets of Milan back in 2003. The cleric was
alleged to have spent nearly 5 years in prison without charge. His
claims of being tortured by CIA while in prison have not been
confirmed independently.

US officials have already expressed disappointment over the Italian
verdict, casting doubt whether such verdicts have jurisdiction over
CIA officers.

The officials got indirect support from Amnesty International in
the United States. According to Tom Parker, an AI official in Washington,
the Italian verdict is damaging to America's national security.

Meanwhile, a senior legal analyst who was speaking to Faux News in
Washington D.C. on condition of anonymity suggested that the verdict
was influenced heavily by certain groups whose allegiance to freedom
and democracy is yet to be verified.

 


THE EASTERN FRONT: POLES SHOW LACK OF HUMOR
london_observer


FAUX NEWS YOU CAN USE

(November 2009, Gdynia Poland, Faux News) – US battleship
Ramage fired a round of shots at the Polish port of Gdynia during
a friendly visit to that port.

Despite the good-will nature of the visit and reports by the US
military that the shots, being unintentional, should not be taken
seriously, Polish authorities chose to investigate the incident,
in a show of stubbornness and lack of understanding reminiscent
of the Cold War era.

However, Faux News got access to the first provisional results of
the investigation which show that the shots were fired accidentally
by a sailor during routine maintenance of the ship’s artillery and
that USS Ramage ‘is home to three hundred of the Nation’s finest
Sailors who are proud of their ship and her role in defending the
United States’, according to a US military website.

Meanwhile in Poland, some local commentators argued whether
or not the incident was the latest in a series of Polack jokes which
have been popular in America since 1930s.

Culture analysts disagree on the origins of Polish jokes in America.
According to one school of thought, jokes about Poles came to the
United States via Nazi Germany, whose leaders believed it was
strategically important to portray Poles as stupid and dirty Slavic
tribe whose destiny is to service their white-European masters.

The other school argues that Polack jokes originated in America
where Polish immigrants often had to take menial and less clean jobs.

 


US GOVERNMENT RADIO SIGNALS RECOGNITION OF SOUTH OSSETIA AND ABKHAZIA
london_observer


FAUX NEWS YOU CAN USE

(November 2009, Washington D.C., Faux News) – The US-funded
Radio Free Europe / Radio Liberty is launching a separate independent
project for Abkhazia and South Ossetia, two pro-Russian Caucasian
republics which earlier announced independence from Georgia,
an important US ally close to the oil-rich regions of Middle East and
Central Asia.

The independent broadcasts of commentary and opinion are to
commence in early November and will be supervised by a Georgian
editorial manager.

For a balance of opinion and to avoid bias, the Georgian supervisor
will work closely with a Russian supervisor.

The Russian supervisor, Andy Babitsky, became famous in the Caucasus
and in Russia in mid 90s for his contribution to the international war on
terror, when he worked closely with Chechen field commanders in the
Russian part of northern Caucasus, helping broadcast their views on
freedom and democracy.

Most of these commanders were announced ‘warlords’ and ‘terrorists’
by Russian authorities and were later murdered or captured by the notorious
Russian KGB secret police.

Meanwhile, the recognition of Abkhazia and South Ossetia by US government
radio drew protests from the administration of Michael Sakaschivli in Georgia.

President Sakaschvili is famous for his interest in media and for his
international TV appearances during his military offensive to restore
freedom and democracy in the breakaway South Ossetia.

President Sakaschivli was acting as White House pool correspondent for
international US and British television networks during the attack against
South Ossetia, synchronizing his news broadcasts with the work of Georgian
artillery and the progress of Georgian infantry. The artillery and infantry
has also been funded by the US government, together with the radio.

However, a senior political analyst in Washigton D.C. who spoke on
condition of anonymity strongly denied that the new radio project amounts
to recognition of South Ossetia and Abkhazia by the United States.

‘The US government doesn’t speak to governments, it speaks to people’,
the analyst said. ‘It’s written in our list of values that we speak to people,
even if they live in some absurd region with a funny name, Abkazia or
Timbuktu.’

‘Our principles didn’t change’, he said. ‘As we all know from international
media reports, South Ossetia is a small Caucasian tribe of Russia-lovers,
too small and Russia-loving to have respected legitimate institutions for us
to speak to or recognize.’

 


THE EASTERN FRONT: HUMAN ERROR ERASES ESTONIA
london_observer


FAUX NEWS YOU CAN USE

 (October 2009, Estland, Faux News) – Estonia was accidentally
excluded from the family of civilized free democracies after U.S.
NATO commander listed Estonia among non-NATO nations.

Although Estonia has been a full member of NATO since 2004,
the mistake by the U.S. general likens Estonia with all kinds of
absurd countries with funny names such as “Mongolia and
Bahrain”, according to “Washington Wire”, a Wall Street
Journal www blog.

Gen. Stanley McChrystal, commander of North Atlantic Treaty
Organization and U.S. forces in Afghanistan, appears to have been
unaware that Estonia belongs to the alliance, in his report on
NATO strategy in Afghanistan, WSJ says.

However, the “mistake” was not totally accidental, according to
a senior military analyst based in Washington DC who spoke to
Faux News on condition of anonymity.

“It sends a clear message to all countries in the eastern-front
region”, he said. “Unless they fully endorse the sacred gift of
freedom we are fighting for on that front, they should not
count on immediate acceptance to the family of civilized free
nations”.

“Please don’t forget that although many Estonians did serve in
Waffen-SS troops in WW2, the German leadership never granted
a full SS membership to them”, the expert warned.

“With the noble mission that Waffen-SS had, bringing the torchlight
of freedom to the oppressed Slavs, Gypsies and Jews, SS could not
afford accepting just anyone to family”, he said.

Estonia’s freedom and democracy record regularly comes under
international scrutiny by security experts. Despite its cooperation

with nazis in WW2, the country was also home to anti-nazi insurgency
and still has a significant Russian minority weakening Estonia’s
reputation with the international community.



2016 OLYMPICS: ALLEGATIONS DENOUNCED
london_observer


FAUX NEWS YOU CAN USE

(October 2009, Chicago IL, Faux News) – Chicagoans rejected a bid
by the International Olympic Committee to hold the 2016 games
in that city.

However, the IOC failed to apologize and voted Brazil’s capital Rio
instead, as the host city of 2016 Olympics.

Meanwhile, the Board of Directors of Faux News has unanimously
denounced allegations that Chicagoans turned down the games for
fear of a mass influx of illegal aliens posing as athletes and their
coaches, including those from Africa, Asia and Latin America.

But Americans may have a reason to suspect the IOC of an illicit
support for all kinds of dubious agendas such as illegal aliens and
rogue countries, according to a senior sports analyst who requested
anonymity.

“We’ve seen enough disturbing signs from the world of sports
lately”, he said in an interview with Faux News. “This will be
another Olympics to be held in a country with a blemished record
of complying with the standards of the civilized mode of behavior.
First it was in China, the 2014 winter games in Russia, and now
Brazil…”

The expert said a boycott of Brazil games is not on the agenda at
this point of time, and very much will depend on that country’s
own behavior.



VON HABSBURG ISSUES NEW RULES FOR CIVILIZED WARFARE
london_observer


FAUX NEWS YOU CAN USE

(Sep 23, 2009, Österreich, Faux News) – A group of Western
playwrights including some intellectuals put forward guidelines
that can forever change the way modern warfare is conducted
on Europe's eastern front.

In an open letter for global and national TV networks and for
newspapers too, the group proposed that a country must be
qualified as war aggressor based on the country’s hidden
genocidal intentions to destroy other countries, no matter
how deep these monstrous plans are masked behind
misleading peaceful rhetoric from the aggressor.

We should no more be concerned about misleading facts
such as who starts firing first, the group proposed.

The US-led international military community was reportedly
studying the proposals Wednesday. A highly-placed officer in
the allied central command called the proposals “interesting
and potentially productive”.

“Everyone liked the good-will and transparent manner in which
the new guidelines were proposed”, he said in an interview
with Faux News. “It helps us to strengthen ourselves around
human values we need to endorse everywhere in the world”,
he said.

The guidelines’ most prominent author, Otto von Habsburg,
was not available for comments in Österreich on Wednesday,
Faux News Österreich correspondent reports.

Von Habsburg is descendant to Great Kaisers of the various
European empires including Österreich, with a lineage dating
back to the charismatic tribal leaders of Teutonic raids of
pre-Christian and Christian era.

Otto’s charisma rivaled and continues to rival that of Adolf
Hitler, who developed a barely hidden envy of von Habsburg.

The von Habsburg group suggested that the new guidelines
be better used on Russia, following its last-year conflict with
the republic of Georgia.

The conflict broke out when Georgian president Michael
Sakaschivli ordered artillery attack on Tskinval, the capital
of South Ossetia, region with a mixed Ossetin-Russian
population seeking independence from Georgia.

 

Sakaschvili’s army was subsequently driven out of South
Ossetia back into Georgia by Russian troops. Russians were
widely awaited to kill burn loot and rape the entire Georgia,
but did not live up to the expectations, sending a wave of
anguish and disappointment across the entire free world.

Russians were assisted by Chechens, who were previously
known as romantic freedom-fighters but changed over to
Russians, worsening the international outcry of anger over
Russia.





GEORGIA FLAG
london_observer


A study into the national flag of the republic of Georgia,
flag proposed by country's crusader president Michael
Sakaschvili.


HEAD LICE THREATEN INTERNATIONAL TRAVEL
london_observer

FAUX NEWS YOU CAN USE

(Jun-Sep, 2009, London UK, Faux News)

Faux News International Desk in London issued Travel
Advisory & Guidance (TAG), for the benefit of British
subjects leaving the island for holidays and vacations,
Faux News reports.

In TAG preamble, the London desk quotes high domestic
incidence of swine flu, head lice, juvenile delinquency
including pick-pocketing as well as a series of incidents
involving British subjects abroad which, according to
a highly-placed U.K. analyst who requested anonymity,
‘do not meet the standards of the civilized mode of
behavior’.

TAG urges British subjects to

- in cafes and buffet restaurants, suppress sneezing into
plates and dishes other than yours;

- wash hands before sitting down to eat;

- take off street shoes when entering rented apartments
or hotel rooms;

- avoid sitting or reclining on the floors in public areas
used for walking;

- check your family members and yourself for head lice
before leaving for vacation;

- refrain from vomiting in public areas when drunk;

- in ski resorts, refrain from borrowing other persons’
skis or snowboards without these persons’ knowledge;

- refrain from borrowing large amounts of food from
buffet restaurants and/or from stockpiling borrowed
food in hotel rooms and rented apartments.