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FAUX NEWS YOU CAN USE

(November 2009, Rome - Italy, Faux News) – Italian judge convicted
23 American CIA officers to 5 to 8 years in jail for what some European
media called ‘kidnapping in Italy’.

The 23 were announced guilty of allegedly grabbing and smuggling
a Muslim cleric off the streets of Milan back in 2003. The cleric was
alleged to have spent nearly 5 years in prison without charge. His
claims of being tortured by CIA while in prison have not been
confirmed independently.

US officials have already expressed disappointment over the Italian
verdict, casting doubt whether such verdicts have jurisdiction over
CIA officers.

The officials got indirect support from Amnesty International in
the United States. According to Tom Parker, an AI official in Washington,
the Italian verdict is damaging to America's national security.

Meanwhile, a senior legal analyst who was speaking to Faux News in
Washington D.C. on condition of anonymity suggested that the verdict
was influenced heavily by certain groups whose allegiance to freedom
and democracy is yet to be verified.

 

FAUX NEWS YOU CAN USE

(November 2009, Gdynia Poland, Faux News) – US battleship
Ramage fired a round of shots at the Polish port of Gdynia during
a friendly visit to that port.

Despite the good-will nature of the visit and reports by the US
military that the shots, being unintentional, should not be taken
seriously, Polish authorities chose to investigate the incident,
in a show of stubbornness and lack of understanding reminiscent
of the Cold War era.

However, Faux News got access to the first provisional results of
the investigation which show that the shots were fired accidentally
by a sailor during routine maintenance of the ship’s artillery and
that USS Ramage ‘is home to three hundred of the Nation’s finest
Sailors who are proud of their ship and her role in defending the
United States’, according to a US military website.

Meanwhile in Poland, some local commentators argued whether
or not the incident was the latest in a series of Polack jokes which
have been popular in America since 1930s.

Culture analysts disagree on the origins of Polish jokes in America.
According to one school of thought, jokes about Poles came to the
United States via Nazi Germany, whose leaders believed it was
strategically important to portray Poles as stupid and dirty Slavic
tribe whose destiny is to service their white-European masters.

The other school argues that Polack jokes originated in America
where Polish immigrants often had to take menial and less clean jobs.

 

FAUX NEWS YOU CAN USE

(November 2009, Washington D.C., Faux News) – The US-funded
Radio Free Europe / Radio Liberty is launching a separate independent
project for Abkhazia and South Ossetia, two pro-Russian Caucasian
republics which earlier announced independence from Georgia,
an important US ally close to the oil-rich regions of Middle East and
Central Asia.

The independent broadcasts of commentary and opinion are to
commence in early November and will be supervised by a Georgian
editorial manager.

For a balance of opinion and to avoid bias, the Georgian supervisor
will work closely with a Russian supervisor.

The Russian supervisor, Andy Babitsky, became famous in the Caucasus
and in Russia in mid 90s for his contribution to the international war on
terror, when he worked closely with Chechen field commanders in the
Russian part of northern Caucasus, helping broadcast their views on
freedom and democracy.

Most of these commanders were announced ‘warlords’ and ‘terrorists’
by Russian authorities and were later murdered or captured by the notorious
Russian KGB secret police.

Meanwhile, the recognition of Abkhazia and South Ossetia by US government
radio drew protests from the administration of Michael Sakaschivli in Georgia.

President Sakaschvili is famous for his interest in media and for his
international TV appearances during his military offensive to restore
freedom and democracy in the breakaway South Ossetia.

President Sakaschivli was acting as White House pool correspondent for
international US and British television networks during the attack against
South Ossetia, synchronizing his news broadcasts with the work of Georgian
artillery and the progress of Georgian infantry. The artillery and infantry
has also been funded by the US government, together with the radio.

However, a senior political analyst in Washigton D.C. who spoke on
condition of anonymity strongly denied that the new radio project amounts
to recognition of South Ossetia and Abkhazia by the United States.

‘The US government doesn’t speak to governments, it speaks to people’,
the analyst said. ‘It’s written in our list of values that we speak to people,
even if they live in some absurd region with a funny name, Abkazia or
Timbuktu.’

‘Our principles didn’t change’, he said. ‘As we all know from international
media reports, South Ossetia is a small Caucasian tribe of Russia-lovers,
too small and Russia-loving to have respected legitimate institutions for us
to speak to or recognize.’

 

FAUX NEWS YOU CAN USE

 (October 2009, Estland, Faux News) – Estonia was accidentally
excluded from the family of civilized free democracies after U.S.
NATO commander listed Estonia among non-NATO nations.

Although Estonia has been a full member of NATO since 2004,
the mistake by the U.S. general likens Estonia with all kinds of
absurd countries with funny names such as “Mongolia and
Bahrain”, according to “Washington Wire”, a Wall Street
Journal www blog.

Gen. Stanley McChrystal, commander of North Atlantic Treaty
Organization and U.S. forces in Afghanistan, appears to have been
unaware that Estonia belongs to the alliance, in his report on
NATO strategy in Afghanistan, WSJ says.

However, the “mistake” was not totally accidental, according to
a senior military analyst based in Washington DC who spoke to
Faux News on condition of anonymity.

“It sends a clear message to all countries in the eastern-front
region”, he said. “Unless they fully endorse the sacred gift of
freedom we are fighting for on that front, they should not
count on immediate acceptance to the family of civilized free
nations”.

“Please don’t forget that although many Estonians did serve in
Waffen-SS troops in WW2, the German leadership never granted
a full SS membership to them”, the expert warned.

“With the noble mission that Waffen-SS had, bringing the torchlight
of freedom to the oppressed Slavs, Gypsies and Jews, SS could not
afford accepting just anyone to family”, he said.

Estonia’s freedom and democracy record regularly comes under
international scrutiny by security experts. Despite its cooperation
with nazis in WW2, the country was also home to anti-nazi insurgency
and still has a significant Russian minority weakening Estonia’s
reputation with the international community.

FAUX NEWS YOU CAN USE

(October 2009, Chicago IL, Faux News) – Chicagoans rejected a bid
by the International Olympic Committee to hold the 2016 games
in that city.

However, the IOC failed to apologize and voted Brazil’s capital Rio
instead, as the host city of 2016 Olympics.

Meanwhile, the Board of Directors of Faux News has unanimously
denounced allegations that Chicagoans turned down the games for
fear of a mass influx of illegal aliens posing as athletes and their
coaches, including those from Africa, Asia and Latin America.

But Americans may have a reason to suspect the IOC of an illicit
support for all kinds of dubious agendas such as illegal aliens and
rogue countries, according to a senior sports analyst who requested
anonymity.

“We’ve seen enough disturbing signs from the world of sports
lately”, he said in an interview with Faux News. “This will be
another Olympics to be held in a country with a blemished record
of complying with the standards of the civilized mode of behavior.
First it was in China, the 2014 winter games in Russia, and now
Brazil…”

The expert said a boycott of Brazil games is not on the agenda at
this point of time, and very much will depend on that country’s
own behavior.

(Sep 23, 2009, Österreich, Faux News) – A group of Western
playwrights including some intellectuals put forward guidelines
that can forever change the way modern warfare is conducted
on Europe's eastern front.

In an open letter for global and national TV networks and for
newspapers too, the group proposed that a country must be
qualified as war aggressor based on the country’s hidden
genocidal intentions to destroy other countries, no matter
how deep these monstrous plans are masked behind
misleading peaceful rhetoric from the aggressor.

We should no more be concerned about misleading facts
such as who starts firing first, the group proposed.

The US-led international military community was reportedly
studying the proposals Wednesday. A highly-placed officer in
the allied central command called the proposals “interesting
and potentially productive”.

“Everyone liked the good-will and transparent manner in which
the new guidelines were proposed”, he said in an interview
with Faux News. “It helps us to strengthen ourselves around
human values we need to endorse everywhere in the world”,
he said.

The guidelines’ most prominent author, Otto von Habsburg,
was not available for comments in Österreich on Wednesday,
Faux News Österreich correspondent reports.

Von Habsburg is descendant to Great Kaisers of the various
European empires including Österreich, with a lineage dating
back to the charismatic tribal leaders of Teutonic raids of
pre-Christian and Christian era.

Otto’s charisma rivaled and continues to rival that of Adolf
Hitler, who developed a barely hidden envy of von Habsburg.

The von Habsburg group suggested that the new guidelines
be better used on Russia, following its last-year conflict with
the republic of Georgia.

The conflict broke out when Georgian president Michael
Sakaschivli ordered artillery attack on Tskinval, the capital
of South Ossetia, region with a mixed Ossetin-Russian
population seeking independence from Georgia.

A study into the national flag of the republic of Georgia,
flag proposed by country's crusader president Michael
Sakaschvili.

Faux News International Desk in London issued Travel
Advisory & Guidance (TAG), for the benefit of British
subjects leaving the island for holidays and vacations,
Faux News reports.

In TAG preamble, the London desk quotes high domestic
incidence of swine flu, head lice, juvenile delinquency
including pick-pocketing as well as a series of incidents
involving British subjects abroad which, according to
a highly-placed U.K. analyst who requested anonymity,
‘do not meet the standards of the civilized mode of
behavior’.

TAG urges British subjects to

- in cafes and buffet restaurants, suppress sneezing into
plates and dishes other than yours;

- wash hands before sitting down to eat;

- take off street shoes when entering rented apartments
or hotel rooms;

- avoid sitting or reclining on the floors in public areas
used for walking;

- check your family members and yourself for head lice
before leaving for vacation;

- refrain from vomiting in public areas when drunk;

- in ski resorts, refrain from borrowing other persons’
skis or snowboards without these persons’ knowledge;

- refrain from borrowing large amounts of food from
buffet restaurants and/or from stockpiling borrowed
food in hotel rooms and rented apartments.

Zooming in on the national flag of the
republic of Georgia, flag proposed by
Georgia president Michael Sakaschivili.

FAUX NEWS YOU CAN USE

(Sep 11, 2009, New York NY, Faux News) –

9/11 was the day when the sacred gift of consumer
freedom was cynically trampled upon by a pack of
cowardly perpetrators, according to influential U.S.
expert.

In an interview with Faux News, the U.S. analyst
who asked not to be named suggested that the same
individuals are responsible for the weak consumer
confidence index and subprime mortgage crisis.

‘Whoever they are, they’ll be hunt down and punished’,
he said.

FAUX NEWS YOU CAN USE

(Sep 2009, Afghanistan-USA, Faux News) – American healthcare
rose to new heights Wednesday Sep 2^nd when US Army unit raided
a civilian hospital in Afghanistan.

U.S. Army's 10th Mountain Division raided a clinic in Wardak
province run by one of the largest charities in Afghanistan, the
Swedish Committee for Afghanistan (SCA).

The U.S. military forced entry into several rooms, tied up local
staff and some family members of the patients, and ordered
bed-ridden patients out of their wards, SCA says.

The incident caused some attempts at criticism of America
and its military, but an influential U.S. expert, who requested
anonymity, told Faux News that although the hospital raid was
one small step for the 10^th Mountain, it was one giant leap for
mankind.
 

FAUX NEWS YOU CAN USE

(July 2009, Georgia-Russia, Faux News) – US Vice-President Joe
Biden stood firm in defense of various values in his latest trip of
what Russia considers its former backyard.

In Tbilisi, Georgia, Biden told local opposition to clear away from
the streets as it undermines the country’s constitution. At a meeting
with Georgian opposition leaders, he put America forward as an
example saying constitutional order in the US is fortified by lack of
street protest.

He also cautioned Georgian opposition, firmly, against being Moscow’s
puppets – which they basically are with that street protest against
Georgian president who is a US-educated lawyer.

He also suggested, in a publicized statement to support world peace,
that Russia’s hidden fear of the demise and destruction which are
looming ahead for Russia should make Russia more cooperative in its
current arms negotiation with the US.

Meanwhile, some corrupt Russian politicians, who tried to ignore
Biden’s statements had to give up on their attempts when they vilified
the statements as another set of verbal gaffes from Joe Biden.

But a senior Western analyst, who requested anonymity, told Faux
News that Biden’s remarks can be part of a PR strategy to support
US President Barack Obama.

‘Until now Obama was popular because he is not George W. Bush’,
he said. ‘From now, he will also be popular because he is not Joe Biden’

NEWSWIRE: FAUX NEWS YOU CAN USE

(July 2009, The Baltics, Faux News) – European legislators reached an
important agreement Fri July 3^rd, settling a decades-long dispute and
dealing a blow to Russia’s hard-line policy of resistance to NATO’s
eastward advance.

Members of European countries’ parliaments concluded, in a joint
resolution, that they do not like Hitler’s nazism and Stalin’s regime.

Meanwhile, far-right anti-Western nationalist fringe groups in Russia,
backed by some corrupt local officials, tried to portray NATO’s drive
to the east and the growing tolerance towards nazism among NATO’s
new members as single process.

But a senior Western political analyst, who asked not to be named, told
Faux News that the Europeans’ resolution effectively strips Russia of its
strategic goals.

‘The Euros say they don’t like Hitler’, he said, ‘It’s same thing that
Russians say, don’t like Hitler! Now Russians will have to think twice
before they try to say that again!’

Western standards and a liberal and tolerant attitude towards nazism
have been increasingly present in Russia’s former backyard, supported
by popular education projects in local and international media.

‘Ha-ha-ha!’ the analyst said, ‘It’s time Russians get more open and fucking
tolerant, too, to meet the standards of the civilized mode of behavior.’

NEWSWIRE: FAUX NEWS YOU CAN USE

(May 2009, New Mexico, Faux News) – Former US president
George W. Bush caught his critics unaware Thursday May 21^st
when he told a crowd of supporters he personally cleaned his
dog’s poop during an outdoor walk.

It was a ‘liberating feeling’ he said to the cheering crowd in
Artesia, New Mexico.

A senior Western expert, who asked not to be identified, told
Faux News the poop cleaning was part of a new public-relations
strategy to enhance domestic and international support for the
ex-president.

Mr. Bush has sometimes been vilified by his critics for what they
call a tendency to create a mess and inability to clean it up
afterwards.

‘Now they will have to think twice!’, the expert said.

NEWSWIRE: FAUX NEWS YOU CAN USE

(May 2009, Frankfurt, Faux News) – Ukraine’s stated allegiance to NATO
looked less than convincing Monday May 4^th after comments by country’s
top official in Frankfurt airport.

Ukrainian interior minister Yuri Luzenko who was reportedly drunk said
‘Nazi Schweine’ and ‘Hitler Kinder’ when airport police tried to restrain
him, according to German daily Bild and the Bild.de website.

An influential Western commentator, who requested anonymity, told
Faux News that Ukraine’s standing with the international community
might be re-assessed following the incident.

‘Nazi swine' cannot come from member of a democratic government of
a country aspiring to NATO membership’, he said.

‘Hey man these comments raise the question, how firmly his country is
committed to the values of the civilized free world’, he added.